It’s been a constant background hum in my life. It’s not about being not good enough or perfect. It’s just I am never satisfied with what I am doing. The act itself, and not the result of it. Like, never. I’d start something I thought I wanted to do, and for a hot minute, maybe a day or two, there is this little spark of… something. But then, poof. It is gone, and the wanting starts all over again.
And you know what I’m starting to realize? This constant state of not being okay with my actions is actually more upsetting than it brings me any happiness with trying something old or new. Like I always feel on the edge, always waiting for the next thing to come along that might spark a longer joy.
It’s a tiring way to live. Constantly trying to find and end up feeling like I’m doing something, yet I’m missing out. I definitely don’t have any answers, trust me. I’m still very much figuring this out. This doesn’t mean I will stop doing things or give up on my ambitions. But I hope to find some satisfaction in my actions before I stop doing things one fine day.
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